pouring one out … of my heart

august 2008 - may 2010

there are not enough beers to pour on the table.

i do not how to explain that yesterday was the hardest day i’ve had in a while, that putting olive to sleep broke my heart into tiny slivers, that i cry when i think of her chirping or when i imagine i see her in the window.i could pour and pour and pour and it wouldn’t be enough. i do not know the way to pour one out for olive. i do not know how i am supposed to honor my cat – who loved me, thought i was a ten and the rest of the world huge zeros.

olive loved me and only me – she trusted me – and i have to harness all the faith i have to believe that this was the right tact. that she is happy in her new somewhere. that there are plenty windows and cat treats and that she can rip apart as much toilet paper as she wants.

many people, especially kate, have let me pour my heart out to them – have told me that it WAS the right tact, that she was a risk, a liability, and that it wasn’t getting better and in fact, it WAS getting worse.  it is true – she was risky and scary and she attacked the direct tv guy for nothing more than being in our house.  she was also my friend. i loved her. i thought she was beautiful and sweet. she made me smile. she took care of me when i was lonely and shared in my happiness. i miss her and imagine i will for quite some time to come.

there are not enough words to pour out of my heart.